So let’s just cut straight to it – The bidet is kind of amazing.
As an American who has recently transplanted to Italy, I was afraid of it at first. I turned up my nose at the strange-looking sink-toilet, confused by the idea of squatting over a faucet, splashing myself with lukewarm water, and buffing my bum with a hand towel. It seemed improper, somehow, or maybe even primitive. I imagined myself as a king who rapidly transformed into a caveman as I shuffled from my porcelain throne to a hover above what could be quite useful as a dog’s bowl. It took a few weeks to drum up the courage… And now I’m obsessed.
I’ll never forget the first time I shifted, pants around my ankles, from the T to the B. I had let the water run for a minute, not wanting to be traumatized by icing my own anus. No no, I double checked the flow before wetting my nether-lips and after a few seconds of streaming action, a beautiful sensation began to spread from my spread cheeks. Like a big warm hug from someone you love and haven’t seen in ages.
As a gay man, I’m already rather comfortable with my bottom business, so really I had already fought half the battle of getting used to splashing and massaging away the discomfort of defecation. After a week, I was whistling as I wet my tooter, and after a month, I was hitting high notes as I sang hallelujah for a happy hole. Never again will I have to nervously wonder if my dirty deed would linger on behind me. Forevermore, I can shine my hiney after the drop-off and go confidently onward with my day.
Who could have invented such a thing? Well, the French of course! Women used to straddle a small, raised basin of water to rinse off their French lilies when the fragrance was ripe. Then, just like Adam to Eve, all the men started joining in, wanting to wash their naughty bits, too. Now the bidet is a standard, nay, required, feature in every domicile. It’s used for douching, rear rinsing, feet washing, and many more wet and wild wonders of private concern.
I don’t think I can ever again live without a bidet. Who doesn’t want to finger their fanny regularly?